|Playing with colors|
It's been sometime since I wrote something to this empty space of this blog. Something has been haunting me to the bones. I've been questioning myself a number of questions after seeing some of my acquaintances graduate and taking jobs that I do not expect them for them. I was wondering what's waiting for me when I graduate. I seriously don't have plans. I don't know what to do if I graduate, but one thing for sure, I'm tired of being a student. Somehow, I'm cherishing every moment of it because this will be my last year as a "regular" student. When I say "regular", what I mean is going to classes and sitting one an hour or so while listening to the teacher. I will probably miss the looks in our face while checking the clock from time to time, too excited for the class to be finished. That moment when it's almost 15 minutes before the time, yet the class is still on the middle of the discussion. I will miss the times when I read a book rather than listening to class, that I have no idea what they were talking about. Maybe I will also miss having classmates, asking for assignments, quizzes, exams and projects. I used to have lots of readings, paper works, and other normal student is experiencing. It is just weird that this is my last semester to experience all these things. Next semester will be a semester devoted to my special project (or thesis). I will have no classes at all, purely special projects. I don't know what to expect because it seems to be unknown to me. Bit by bit, real world is taking over my life. I don't know if I should feel happy or devastated with that thought.
There will be no classmates, no homework, no projects, no exams, no quizzes and no actual classes next year. For my entire life, this is my routine then suddenly, I became a researcher. I am still a student though but being a student is incomplete without the things that were mentioned above. Maybe just know that I will miss being a student. I realized these things when I remembered my internship experience. That was mind blowing though! Anyway, everything seems to be real like I realized the responsibility I have in the company. My decisions would affect other people, at a larger scale. It's scary. I don't like responsibilities, especially if people are expecting something from you. I'm afraid to be a "grown up" and to be robot-like. Well I see them as minions of their company and bosses. I always want to live in a dream land, where everything is light and dreamy. I want to soak myself with stories on the books that lead me to somewhere magical. Am I being so immature and childish?
Almost everyone is afraid of the unknown, who doesn't? I'm afraid what's waiting on the other side. Will it be better or worse? But how to we define exactly better and worse? Does those words really exists?